


My Flesh Is Afraid but I Am Not

by haleyisafangirl (haleingoutside)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Background Jily, Growing Up, Marauders, Marauders' Era, angst and sadness, blackinnon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-03-31 22:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3995935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haleingoutside/pseuds/haleyisafangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of moments in the life of Marlene McKinnon. One per year at Hogwarts, then several post-Hogwarts. Very angsty and sad and I'm sorry (but also not at all sorry). Title is a lyric from "The Waves Have Come" by Chelsea Wolfe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Year

“Muuu _uum_ , it’s fine!” Marlene insisted as her mother frantically tried to smooth down her hair for the millionth time. Platform 9 3/4 was bustling with students boarding the train, parents giving last minute advice, older siblings tormenting their first year brothers and sisters. Marlene glimpsed an older boy actually convincing his younger twin brothers that the poltergeist would steal all their belongings in their sleep the first night; they looked close to tears. She was suddenly glad that she was an only child and the only bit of advice her parents had given her was to stay away from the Forbidden Forest.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just want you to look nice for your first day,” Mrs. McKinnon fretted. She had forced Marlene to wear a brand new outfit (to several protests of “Mum, I want to be _comfortable_ on the train!”) and wouldn’t let her drag her own trunk through King’s Cross. Instead, Mr. McKinnon was juggling the tasks of carrying all of his daughter’s belongings and calming all of his wife’s nerves.

“Don’t forget to write soon, okay? You can use one of the school’s owls,” Mrs. McKinnon said, a hand on her daughter’s shoulder as they plowed through the horde of people.

“Yes, Mum.”

“And don’t hesitate to go to the Hospital Wing if you’re feeling ill at all.”

“Yes, Mum.”

“And do all of your homework and don’t you dare talk back to the teachers.”

“Yes, Mum.”

Once they were right next to the train, Mrs. McKinnon spun her daughter around so they were face to face. It was the Moment, the last goodbye before true departure, before Marlene boarded the train for an entire term of what would probably be too much adventure. “We’ll miss you, sweetheart,” she said, tears threatening to spill over.

“Mum,” Marlene complained through gritted teeth before wrapping her arms around her mother’s waist. She would swear later that she wasn’t nervous at all, but Mrs. McKinnon could feel the way her breathing shook. They hugged a little longer than Marlene would’ve claimed to like before she moved on to hug her father.

“We love you,” he said sentimentally, and she wanted to roll her eyes but couldn’t.

“Love you, too,” she said, and turned to disappear onto the train with a fleeting wave before her emotions could get the best of her.

She paused for a moment in the doorway to collect herself. Thank goodness that embarrassing farewell with her parents was over. Now onto bigger and better things and no more humiliation.

At least, that’s what Marlene thought, until she tripped in the corridor.

In a skirt.

Exposing far more of her undergarments than she would have preferred on her first day at a brand new school.

She heard snickering from behind her and stood up quickly, smoothing all of her clothes down. It was a boy with messy black hair and glasses, and he took one look at her red face before doubling over in laughter.

Oh, no. She wasn’t having any of that.

“If you tell anyone what just happened, I’ll hex you so badly that all that will be left is your eyebrows!”

The boy pouted at this. “I doubt you know any magic, let alone how to hex me!”

Marlene crossed the few feet between them. “I’ll just give you a black eye, then,” she said, scrunching up her nose and leaning toward him with the meanest glare he had ever seen. He glared right back but relented after a moment.

“Fine,” he said, and they stepped apart. “Something tells me you’re not a girl to mess with.”

She grinned and offered her hand, which he shook. “Marlene McKinnon.”

“James Potter. I have a feeling we’ll get along well.”


	2. Second Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An incident with Mandrakes goes terribly wrong in Marlene's and the Marauders' second year at Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post chapter 2! I promise, I've written out more than half of the story already. I was out of town last week so that's the reason for the delay! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Love,  
> haleyisafangirl

“Today, we are going to be learning about Mandrakes,” the new Herbology teacher, Professor Sprout, explained. “Can anyone tell me some of the properties of the Mandrake?”

Remus proceeded to rattle off an explanation about the Restorative Draught and its significance in the past hundred years of Wizarding history. Of course, Marlene tuned this out until she heard something about killing people, and suddenly the little plant in front of her didn’t seem so boring.

“These Mandrakes are too young to kill you just yet,” Professor Sprout explained, to the groans of many students. “But they will knock you out,” she cautioned, “so everyone wear your earmuffs.”

“You look ridiculous,” Sirius taunted Marlene, though of course she couldn’t hear him. She understood his meaning well enough, though, and shot a good glare back. She was already known throughout the school for that glare, the one that could shrivel an innocent soul if they weren’t wary.

After the class had finished uprooting their Mandrakes, they headed back up to the castle for lunch. “I think those earmuffs would make a nice accessory on you, Black,” Marlene commented snidely as she passed the Marauders. “Tame that unruly hair of yours.”

“Oh, please, McKinnon,” Sirius said, catching up instantly to her quick stride. “You wouldn’t have lasted thirty seconds without those on.”

“I bet I could!” Marlene argued, stopping to face him fully, nostrils flaring, always eager for a challenge.

“Prove it,” Sirius said, raising his eyebrows menacingly.

“Fine. Tonight, during dinner? We’ll see who lasts longer against those stupid baby plants.” She could see James in the background shaking his head in exasperation but ignored him. James was just about the only thing Sirius and Marlene had in common; they were unswervingly loyal to him and admired him unconditionally, though they both tried to ignore the part where he was a _mutual_ friend of theirs. The thought of sharing something like that made each uncomfortable.

But still, he was the only one who could keep them from killing each other, and so he accompanied them down to the greenhouses during supper that evening. “They’re locked!” he reported of the doors, and he and Sirius were formulating Plan B when Marlene stepped in front of them.

“Don’t be idiots,” she said, rolling her eyes as she took a pin from her hair. “Picking the lock is even easier than this little competition will be.”

The sunset through the windows cast the whole event in a sort of beautiful light, though in reality it was just a bunch of preteens making some mischief. Still, it seemed romantic and adventurous, the way Marlene had always wanted her Hogwarts experience to be.

“Scared?” she asked Sirius faux-sweetly once they had ascertained that they were the room’s only occupants. He responded by grabbing the nearest plant by its leaves and yanking hard, not giving her a fair warning at all.

The noise was terrible. She felt like her head was splitting open, and her eyes were threatening to close but she fought with every bit of strength in her to keep them open. Sirius’s were watering, but he was doing the same. He looked every bit as resolved as her, and the thought made her panic a little.

But no, she couldn’t afford panic. She was not going to lose this one.

Then suddenly, Mary MacDonald came running down the hill, shouting her name. “Oh, hell!” Marlene shouted as she attempted to pot the plant. It kept scratching her bare hands as dirt made its way under her fingernails.

“What are you doing?!” Sirius exclaimed, though he was still barely loud enough to be heard over the wailing Mandrake. To explain, Marlene hastily pointed toward the window, where Mary could be seen coming ever closer. She and Sirius began frantically trying to pot the plant; they both knew that sweet, quiet Mary did not have the willpower to withstand the Mandrake. James, happily examining some pink leaves in the corner while pink earmuffs blocked out the noise, only noticed the commotion when it was too late.

Mary took one step through the door and fainted.

If she had only been a few moments later, Marlene and Sirius would have succeeded in potting the plant and eliminating the noise that caused Mary to sink to the ground. As it was, Marlene abandoned Sirius to deal with the screaming little thing and knelt to the ground next to Mary. “Nonono, Mary, I am so sorry,” she said, cradling the head of brown hair in her lap. At last, Sirius shoved the plant into the dirt and came to join them, wiping the blood and soil off his hands.

“Is she okay?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t _know_ ,” Marlene panicked, smoothing Mary’s hair back just to have something to do.

“Calm down, Marlene,” James said. He had finally joined the party by the door and removed his earmuffs. “We’ve got to take her to the Hospital Wing.” Sirius looked a little hesitant at this; the Hospital Wing would mean explanations, which would mean either lying or getting in trouble, both of which seemed very unappealing in his current state of bleeding ears and a ridiculous headache.

“Okay, okay, okay, just do something!” Marlene said, still frantic. It was her hysterics that prompted Sirius to help James in his effort to lift Mary off the ground; arguing with Madame Wilkins would be a piece of cake compared to arguing with Marlene, so if she wanted the Hospital Wing, they would go to the Hospital Wing.

Marlene followed them through the castle for the entire trek, occasionally criticizing the way they were holding Mary or nagging them about rearranging her neck. At long last, they reached those double doors and practically flung Mary into the nearest bed. Not a minute later, the trio found themselves back outside the doors, having been shooed away by Madame Wilkins.

McGonagall, of course, knew everything that went on at the school within a matter of minutes, and so she shortly came rushing down the hall wanting an explanation. Sirius and James looked at each other with wide eyes and desperation, but Marlene’s shoulders merely seemed to droop as her energy sank into the floor. “What on earth has--” Professor McGonagall began furiously, but Marlene cut her off.

“I’m sorry, Professor. It was an accident,” she said, and both Sirius and James’s jaws dropped at an apology coming from her lips. Even Professor McGonagall looked taken aback.

“I wanted to prove to Sirius that I could outlast the Mandrake. I knew they were babies and wouldn’t really hurt me, but they’ve knocked Mary out. Madame Wilkins said she’ll be fine, but I know that doesn’t make it okay.” McGonagall’s mouth opened and closed like a fish; she actually seemed at a loss for words.

At last she settled with, “You’re right, Miss McKinnon, that does not excuse your actions. But I appreciate your apology. I can tell you care a great deal about Mary.” Marlene looked up hopefully at her favorite professor and nodded, blinking rapidly to combat the upcoming tears. McGonagall seemed to soften and actually smiled a little. “There, there,” she said as she held her arms open for Marlene, who rushed forward to hug her.

Sirius and James were even more confused by this, because McGonagall rarely showed this type of affection and compassion for her students. But here she was rubbing Marlene’s back as the blonde cried against her! “Mary’s fine, dear, just fine. Why don’t you come into my office and have a cup of tea?” Marlene sniffed, nodded, and turned to go down the hallway with Professor McGonagall. (She knew the way to McGonagall’s office fairly well, having been there no fewer than twenty-four times for various misdemeanors.)

“And as for you two,” McGonagall called over her shoulder, pausing to look back at the two boys still standing dumbstruck. She sighed. “I should’ve known it would be you. You’re lucky Miss McKinnon needs some tea or you’d be receiving detentions right about now.”

They waited until McGonagall had disappeared around the corner, and then turned to one another. “You don’t think…”

James and Sirius asked plenty of times in the next couple weeks, but Marlene always refused to tell them whether or not her tears had been real.


	3. Third Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene will defend her closest friends against whatever challenge or threat, be it Death Eaters, horrifying magical creatures, or one Severus Snape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this one was fun to write.

If there was one thing everyone could agree on regarding Marlene, it was that no one could agree on anything regarding Marlene. The girl was an enigma. Some, like Sirius, argued that she was a witch in more than one sense of the word. Others, like Remus, were continually awed by her spirit of adventure and mischief. Still more, such as James, thought she was an excellent friend with a knack for trouble, which just made her even more excellent. She was unpredictable. She was fiery, even at thirteen when she didn’t have much to fight against.

Very few saw her the way Mary, Lily, and Hagrid did.

This trio was an odd one, but they were what Marlene decided to call her “Lighters.” They were always looking for the light in her. Lily was consistently talking her back into logic and sense after yet another fight with “that prat Black who is just so full of himself.” Mary never believed that Marlene would intentionally harm anyone, even after Marlene herself confessed to doing so on several occasions. Hagrid, well, he was Hagrid, and he saw that the heart of her was good and that was what mattered most to him.

They believed in her, and it lit up her world. Her Lighters. It was probably a terrible name but it was the best description she had because they lifted her burdens and believed in her and made everything seem a little less terrible.

But they could also light a fire.

She grew to care so much about this peculiar trio that she would defend them more than anyone else. Her loyalty was unwavering, because she trusted them to never hurt her. And so when others tried to hurt them, things got ugly.

* * *

“Take it back, Snape,” Marlene threatened one day in the corridor after Charms.

“Make me, McKinnon,” Snape snarled.

He had just called Mary a terrible racial slur; the innocent angel in question was now quivering next to Marlene, attempting to be brave and not let it get to her. Still, she definitely wasn’t brazen enough to stand up to Snape, and so Marlene did for her. Mary absolutely wasn’t anything enough - brave or stupid or reckless - to do what Marlene did to Snape, as she shoved him up against the wall with her wand at his throat.

“Oh, yes, standing up for your only friends. Hanging around that oaf Hagrid probably makes you feel stronger than you are, McKinnon. I’d back off if I were you.”

Marlene leaned her face closer to his, sneering all the while. “What did you call Hagrid?”

Snape didn’t answer but the malicious glint in his eyes was enough to make even the nicest person want to hex him. And that was exactly what Marlene was planning to do… until, with a sudden lunge forward, Snape knocked her wand out of her hand and away down the corridor. Mary looked like she was considering running to fetch it, or even attempting the Accio charm that they had spotted some older girls practicing. But fear kept her rooted to the spot.

It wouldn’t have its way with Marlene, though. Wandless, she wasted no time wishing for something else; she pushed Snape again and punched him repeatedly. “You foul - loathsome - evil - little - cockroach!” she screeched, punctuating each word with another blow or kick. Snape’s face as she began her attack was pure panicked surprise. He was probably weaker than Marlene, who spent her afternoons out in the sunshine or on the Quidditch pitch instead of slaving away over books. He seemed to realize it as a kick to his shin left him grimacing and hopping on one leg.

But all of a sudden, he remembered that he had the advantage here. The coward was not above an unfair fight.

In a single move, he elbowed Marlene in the nose and whipped out his wand. She fell to the ground and staggered away, in the opposite direction from where Mary had been standing, noticing to her dismay that Mary had disappeared. They were alone in the corridor, and she was wandless, blood from her nose dripping down her chin.

“ _Sectumsempra_!” he shouted suddenly, and Marlene felt the wind knocked out of her but didn’t know if it was the effect of the spell or the small doses of terror coursing through her veins. Snape, however, looked disappointed, nostrils flaring with the evident displeasure that his spell or hex or whatever hadn’t worked. Marlene took advantage of his anger and distraction to stand again and have another go at him.

She first knocked Snape’s wand out of his hand, and it skittered away onto a staircase below. If he had looked panicked before, he looked absolutely terrified now, realizing that he would have to defeat her with pure physical skill.

They fought, Marlene continually screeching obscenities at Snape, Snape focusing on yanking Marlene’s hair and edging her closer to the staircase so that she might fall. It was less straight punching than kicking and pulling and smacking and generally trying to kill each other with the least possible efficiency. At one point, Marlene had Snape cornered against the wall and was screaming how dare he, how dare he speak like that to the kindest soul the world had ever seen…

But then arms were wrapping around her waist from behind as two more held Snape back. They were pried off each other and Marlene’s attention turned to those who had dared to interrupt the greatest fight of the century. She struggled out of the arms holding her and was surprised to find that it was Sirius. “Sirius,” she said, too shocked to make her voice as angry as she had desired.

“James,” she said in the same tone when she glimpsed him to her right, talking to Snape in a very stern voice with a wand aimed at his throat. Apparently what he said was just intimidating enough, because Snape turned tail and sprinted down the stairs and out of sight.

“Marlene, I…” began a small voice to Marlene’s left. She turned to see Mary, visibly shaking and swallowing down the guilt in her eyes.

“Mary?” the blonde asked. “You brought them here?”

“You started fighting!” Mary said in her defense, voice squeaking a little. “And I was screaming at you to stop but you wouldn’t listen and I’m not strong enough…” her voice trailed off, eyes brimming with tears.

It was the tears that undid Marlene’s pride, and she hugged Mary to stop her from shaking so badly. “I’m okay, Mary, really. Let’s get back to the dormitory.” She let James wrap an arm around Mary’s shoulders and escort her back to Gryffindor Tower, hanging back with Sirius and walking behind them.

“I could’ve handled myself,” she insisted in a petulant whisper.

“Marlene,” Sirius said, clearly exasperated, as he glanced quickly at Mary and James and dragged the lady in question into the nearby lavatory. He grabbed her elbow and shoved her in front of a mirror, where she could see her bloody nose, a nice cut on her neck, and a black eye beginning to form. “You’re a mess,” he said simply, and she scoffed but allowed him to wipe off her face with a towel after she sat on the counter.

“Mary will freak out if I get sent to the Hospital Wing,” she justified to herself. Sirius rolled his eyes and continued tending to her injuries.

“You shouldn’t have fought him,” he said as he wiped away the blood on her chin.

“Oh, like you could’ve laid off when he was right there and insulting one of your best friends.” Sirius finished cleaning up Marlene’s battle wounds and cocked his head sideways in annoyance at the blonde’s insistence on being completely in the right. He really should have been used to it by now; if he didn’t see it enough with her, he saw it plenty in the mirror.

Marlene hopped off the counter and grabbed Sirius’s arm to steady herself as she nearly slipped on the bathroom floor. “Maybe we’re more alike than you think, McKinnon,” Sirius said more softly than she had been expecting. But after an afternoon of throwing punches and facing Slytherins wandless, Marlene wasn’t about to let anything faze her, let alone the biggest prat Gryffindor had ever seen.

“ _I_ think that Mary is a sweet little angel, and I’m going to go check on her.” And Marlene flounced away.


	4. Fourth Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When one of Marlene's teachers suffers a tragedy, she tries to help out.

There were hugs all around as the Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmeade Station, snow still falling lightly on the ground. The Christmas holidays were coming to a close, and though many were disappointed about the inevitable return to classes, the air was filled with enthusiastic greetings and exchanges of the latest holiday gossip.

Marlene was eagerly catching up with Lily, asking her all about the gifts she received and the food she ate and the family she couldn’t stand. Because Marlene came from a Wizarding family and Lily was Muggleborn, Marlene was enthralled by all the Muggle holiday customs. Lily was equally intrigued in the wizard candy and gifts from Zonko’s that Marlene had received. Dorcas and Mary, the other two in their carriage up to the castle, barely got a word in for the entire ride.

The Great Hall was as loud as it only is with a new beginning. There wasn’t quite as much excitement and catching up to do as in September, but it was such that Dumbledore had to stand and tap his glass several times before everyone quieted down.

“Good evening,” Dumbledore said, and Marlene quickly finished whispering to Lily a hilarious anecdote about her uncle Bernie. The pair were, at last, silent.

“I have a few beginning of term announcements. Firstly, to say that I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I myself attended the Wizengamot New Year’s Party, which I can assure you is much more exciting than it sounds. You will all find hot chocolate in your Common Rooms as a return gift from me.” The Great Hall started clapping and Dumbledore smiled bashfully.

“Unfortunately, the next note is not nearly as happy. Professor Darr, your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, was the victim of an unfortunate house fire over the holidays. She and her family were not injured, and whether this is the work of Dark wizards and witches is unclear, but regardless, they have lost all of their possessions and this is a very trying time. If all of you could please keep them in your thoughts.” And he moved on to the regular reminders, that a new term did not mean slacking off and the Forbidden Forest was indeed still forbidden.

But the gears in Marlene’s minds were still turning. Professor Darr, though only with them since September, had quickly become one of Marlene’s favorite teachers. She seemed to see a potential in Marlene like no one else, and she didn’t mind Marlene’s sass or fire or gumption or whatever else people liked to name it. She made Marlene want to not only defend herself against the Dark Arts, but fight them, really and truly fight them.

But then, of course, Marlene was not even fifteen yet, and though she had come home bursting with enthusiasm about joining the War, it was immediately shut down. Her parents went ballistic. They were not about to let their little girl go marching off into battle, no they weren’t, not at all, it was a completely ridiculous idea… And on it went. So Marlene came back from the holidays discouraged and significantly less determined.

This, though. This was something she could do.

Marlene barely heard a word Lily said as they went up the stairs to Gryffindor tower.

“You’re still thinking about Professor Darr, aren’t you?” Lily asked, annoyed, when they reached the dormitory.

Marlene smiled at the way her best friend knew her. “I have a plan.”

* * *

 

“James, Sirius,” Marlene said sweetly as she plopped down at the breakfast table the next morning armed with a clipboard. “Would you like to help out Professor Darr and her family?”

“ _Marls_ ,” Sirius groaned, reaching across the table for a scone. “Don’t you know not to ask for things until I’ve been caffeinated?”

Marlene hit him over the head with her clipboard.

“She has lost everything!” the blonde insisted. “The least we can do is help.”

“And I’m sure you already have a plan for that, don’t you?” James asked knowingly, sipping coffee from his magically-filled goblet.

“You can either donate money to the general cause or write home and request specific items. So far we’ve got clothes all but covered, and most of the fifth year Hufflepuffs are all over kitchenware, but we’re still a bit lacking in the furniture department.”

Sirius and James were speechless for a moment. “Marls…” James finally said. “It’s been less than twenty-four hours since we’ve been back at school.”

Marlene shrugged with the air of princess who has no room for people questioning her authority; it made Sirius smile to himself despite his half-awake state. “I like to keep busy,” she explained nonchalantly. “So, are you helping or what?”

“Put me down for ten Galleons for a couch or something. I’ll run up and grab the money after Potions,” James said. It was more of an effort to get rid of Marlene in order to eat in peace, but she was positively delighted.

“Aww, James, thank you so much! It’s so appreciated, really, you’re a dear,” she cooed, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek before rising from the table and making to walk away.

“Marlene!” Sirius shouted quickly, very flustered and not at all turning bright red, thank you very much, it was just the lighting in the Great Hall. He hardly knew what he was doing as he offered, “Put me down for fifteen Galleons, yeah?”

“Thanks, Sirius, that’s so good of you!” Marlene exclaimed before she gave the boys a smile and walked away. James burst into laughter as Sirius groaned and slammed his head down on the table.

“Shut up, Prongs.”

“You’re an idiot, Padfoot.”

* * *

 

By the following Thursday, Marlene had an entire operation running out of Gryffindor Tower. Owls were coming in every morning laden with large sacks of old clothes. The Longbottom family donated old shelves, books and all, which Marlene magically shrunk and kept in a corner of the common room. Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts were placed into magically expanded bags for a trip to Hogsmeade on Saturday. It wasn’t exactly “school-sanctioned,” per se, but the fourth year Gryffindor girls never had much of a mind for rules and after all, it wasn’t nearly as forbidden as traveling to London to go furniture-shopping.

“I’ve got to hand it to you, Marls, this is impressive,” James commented one evening as Marlene checked off yet another item on her endless clipboard of lists.

“I know,” she said, flipping her hair before laughing a little.

“How’re you going to present it to her?”

“Well, once Saturday’s shopping trip goes perfectly, as it must, I’ll probably just tell her after class or something.”

James narrowed his eyes. “What?” Marlene asked. She was starting to get annoyed with his interruption.

“The Marlene McKinnon I know wouldn’t be content without a proper announcement.”  Marlene’s mouth twitched as she considered the possibilities. After a moment of James waiting for a response, she smirked as she appraised him.

“I knew I kept you around for something.”

* * *

“Your attention, please!” Marlene shouted from the front of the Great Hall the following Saturday evening. All the students looked surprised, but nearly every teacher behind her was clued in. Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled with excitement. After quite a bit of throat clearing, the Great Hall quieted down.

“As most of you know,” Marlene began, “Professor Darr and her family were the victim of an unfortunate house fire over the winter holidays.” Looking to the side, Marlene saw Professor Darr’s hands fly to her mouth in shock. She smiled and continued. “Over the past few weeks, we’ve been collecting things to try and help your family come back together after this unfortunate incident. Today, I present you with clothes for your entire family, a completely restocked kitchen, money for new appliances, and a complete set of living room furniture.”

The doors at the end of the Hall opened and in strode all of the fourth and fifth year Gryffindors carrying magically shrunk items that would become Professor Darr’s new possessions. The professor in question was crying and rushing around the table to hug Marlene, who was positively beaming. The rest of the Great Hall burst into applause.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Professor Darr kept repeating, and Marlene could only hug her over and over and enjoy the sensation of making someone else happy. She tried her best to do it usually but her temper got in the way, or it wasn’t as big and obvious as this.

She hadn’t done much, but she had done something. And that feeling alone was worth it all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, I'm not dead! I was out of town for a while, so that's why I haven't been posting a lot. I really do apologize - I'm quite proud of this story and am working incredibly hard on it, don't you worry. I have several chapters in advance and plan to keep it that way! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I wanted to show a slightly nicer, less ferocious side of Marlene's character. I was aiming for a sort of "Cher from Clueless once she decides to do a self makeover" vibe. This story is all about her complexity and giving y'all something to read that you like. I'll be posting a new chapter soon!


	5. Fifth Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene really, really hates Valentine's Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

Valentine’s Day was Marlene’s least favorite holiday.

For one thing, she always had at least half a dozen admirers who figured that the best day to make a move was the most romantic holiday of the year. This was completely faulty logic, however, and Marlene ended up carrying around roses all day and dodging the poor blokes who had given them to her while complaining to everyone within earshot that roses were her least favorite flowers.

For another thing, the one boy that she wouldn’t have minded getting roses from didn’t believe in Valentine’s Day, either, so she really couldn’t see a point to the whole thing.

But lastly, Valentine’s Day brought out the ridiculousness in all of her friends, and it took about three hours into February 1 for Marlene to get absolutely sick of it.

“I wonder where Simon is going to take me. Perhaps Madame Puddifoot’s. Obviously, I’d prefer Honeydukes, but maybe he’ll already have bought me chocolates…” Lily contemplated one afternoon in the library.

“Mhmm,” Marlene hummed absentmindedly, scribbling a last-minute Potions essay onto a piece of parchment.

“It’s Valentine’s Day, so of course I want it to be special, but it’s not like I can suggest a place to go. He’s got to plan it, don’t you think?”

“Mhmm.”

“And besides, it’s not like any place in Hogsmeade will be bad. Unless he thinks the Shrieking Shack is romantic… no, that would be preposterous. Aren’t you so glad Valentine’s Day is on a Hogsmeade Saturday this year?”

“Mhmm.”

Lily’s pensieve whispers ceased for a moment. “Marlene, are you listening to me?”

“Something about this bloody holiday that I can’t wait to be through with.”

Lily huffed. “Marlene!” she exclaimed. “This is my first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend, and I really want it to be special.”

Marlene set her quill down and narrowed her eyes at her best friend. She loved the stupid ginger, she really did, but anyone who couldn’t see that James and Lily were a perfect match was absolutely blind, and Marlene couldn’t understand why Lily insisted on spending her time on any other bloke.

“I’m sorry,” Marlene apologized in a sort of whine, because she really wasn’t sorry at all. Unfortunately for Lily, and extremely fortunately for Marlene, the librarian then came over to shush them and they finished the rest of their essay writing in silence.

* * *

 

Remus was just about the only other person in the school who didn’t seem to have gone mad with Valentine’s Day fever, and Marlene sought out his company as much as possible in the early weeks of February. (Of course, Sirius also had a spot on the relatively short list of anti-Valentine’s Day people, but Marlene didn’t much fancy discussing romance with him, perhaps because she actually just fancied him.)

“Some second year Ravenclaw just asked me to be his valentine,” Marlene lamented as she sat down across from Remus in the library one evening. Remus had to stifle his laughter with his hand. “He’s twelve, Remus! _Twelve!_ It’s bloody ridiculous!”

“Second years can’t even go to Hogsmeade, so I really can’t see the point in him asking,” Remus offered logically. Marlene seemed to contemplate his remark.

“I could’ve said yes, then, and spared his feelings. Then I could’ve just left him at the castle all day… oh, bugger. I don’t even care.”

Remus cocked his head to the side and studied the blonde as she opened one of her Charms textbooks and began to pore over it. “Is the reason you don’t like Valentine’s Day because you like being independent? Or is it because someone else doesn’t like Valentine’s Day?”

“Oh, please,” Marlene scoffed without even looking up. “As if I’d let a boy’s opinion of Valentine’s Day affect my own. I’m independent, you were very right, Remus, and I don’t need a holiday that tells me I need a boyfriend.”

“I’m just saying…” Remus said. “You and Sirius seem to have an awful lot of fun ridiculing couples together.”

Marlene slammed her textbook shut with a great thud that the librarian looked none too pleased about. “I would make up a pathetic excuse for leaving,” she said to Remus much too loudly for the library, “but the truth is you’re being very annoying and I don’t want to be around you right now.” And she picked up her things and walked away from a dumbstruck Remus, who was not at all convinced that Marlene wasn’t opposed to Valentine’s Day simply because Sirius was.

* * *

 

On the Saturday in question, Marlene made it a point to wear a too-large sweater and minimal makeup. While the rest of her roommates woke up half an hour early to do their hair, she slept in and piled it in a messy bun on top of her head before heading down to breakfast.

Lily greeted her boyfriend at the Ravenclaw table with a cute little kiss on the cheek. She even ate with them, the traitor. Marlene grumbled about it into her oatmeal. Mornings were never her thing, but this particular morning was already seeming rather like a pink nightmare.

“Did you say something, Mar?” Mary asked. Her brown hair was perfectly curled, and she wasn’t really paying attention to Marlene’s answer because she was looking around the Great Hall for a certain Hufflepuff named Luke.

“No,” Marlene mumbled.

“You know,” offered Mary quite unhelpfully, “if you’re going to be so grumpy on Valentine’s Day, you really should’ve gotten yourself a valentine.”

Angry beyond belief already at Cupid and everyone else in the vicinity, Marlene stood to be eye to eye with Mary. She was prepared to full-on rampage through the Great Hall, screaming her lungs out about this bloody holiday. Once she had Mary’s full attention, however, her animosity seemed to melt away.

Mary looked so excited. And she had put extra effort in this morning to her appearance, and she looked really pretty. So instead of yelling at her, Marlene gave up and wished her the best of luck with her boyfriend. Mary squealed in excitement, and though Marlene had to resist the urge to plug her fingers in her ears, she did her best to be excited back.

* * *

 

Somehow, hours later, she ended up with Sirius in Zonko’s.

The streets of Hogsmeade were flooded with Hogwarts couples. Everywhere Marlene looked, there seemed to be couples snogging, or holding hands, or giving each other heart eyes. It was ridiculous. A Slytherin tickling his girlfriend nearly mowed her over as she rounded a corner. “Watch where you’re going!” Marlene yelled to their disappearing backs as hers collided with someone behind her.

“You could take your own advice,” a distinct voice announced. Really, Marlene didn’t even have to turn to know that it was Sirius, but she did anyway and looked up at him. (Curse the prat for having three inches on her.)

“Sorry, Sirius.” Her apology was quite insincere, but he let it slide. “What have you been up to?”

“Well,” Sirius began, turning to continue walking in the direction of the best joke shop around, “right now I’m trying to think of something to cheer James up.”

If Marlene’s memory was correct, James had achieved a valentine before February even began. A cute girl… Ravenclaw, she thought. Brunette. Tiny. A little too much eye makeup for Marlene’s taste, but then again, no one could rival Marlene in makeup artistry.

“Doesn’t James have a girl to be with today? Why’s he upset?”

“Well.” This was the type of “well” that clues the listener in to a long and tragic tale on the horizon, and Sirius paused, both for dramatic effect and to hold the door open for Marlene as they entered Zonko’s. “His date confused the Snitch and the Quaffle, and let’s just say it was all downhill from there.”

“Don’t tell me she’s never been to a Quidditch game,” Marlene commented disbelievingly.

Sirius shook his head and was about to comment on the level of tragedy that this girl had never seen his Quidditch expertise when two Ravenclaws, a boy and a girl, walked in. “Obnoxious couple, two o’clock,” he said, taking a few quick strides over to where Marlene was standing by a shelf of fake wands. Because Valentine’s Day for Sirius was only good for mocking couples, he and Marlene huddled together conspiratorially and hid themselves from view behind the colorful Zonko’s merchandise.

“Do you know what year they are?” he whispered, leaning toward Marlene while keeping the couple in sight.

“No clue.” As the Ravenclaws turned toward the shelf where Marlene and Sirius were hiding, they ducked and their foreheads collided. Massaging their temples and complaining, they rose again only once they heard the bell at the door signal the Ravenclaws’ exit.

“How long do you think they’ll be together?” wondered Marlene.

“Eh, I give it three weeks. She wasn’t carrying flowers.”

“Not all girls like flowers,” Marlene bristled.

To her confusion, Sirius began to chuckle. “James’s valentine sure didn’t,” he mumbled.

He then proceeded to tell Marlene the entire story of how James had gotten in a colossal fight with his date in the Three Broomsticks over the importance of Quidditch, the sport that held the very fabric of Wizarding society together. Though James had done an excellent job purchasing the requisite flowers and chocolate, the ability of a Quaffle, two Bludgers, and a Snitch to dictate one’s quality of life was a point on which neither would compromise. Both had returned to the castle early; James was now sulking in the Gryffindor boys’ dormitory.

“He came and told me a brief version of what had happened, but honestly, I think most of it was that Simon bloke and Evans… who’s coming in right now,” Sirius finished in confusion.

For Lily was indeed entering Zonko’s behind Marlene. She looked a bit distraught, a mixture between fuming and ready to burst into tears. “Hi,” she greeted Marlene in a huff, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

“Lils, where’s Simon?” Marlene asked gingerly, and the redhead in front of her bit her lip again.

“I wouldn’t know,” she confessed. “He dumped me twenty minutes ago.”

Marlene instantly wrapped Lily in a hug. The redhead was attempting deep, calming breaths, but they were ending up shallow and shaky. “Chocolate or revenge plotting, which one?” Marlene asked. Sirius looked a bit taken aback at the speed with which Marlene had come up with the two options, and she had to stifle a giggle at his alarmed expression; it would be wildly inappropriate to laugh at such a time as this.

“Can we do Jane Austen instead?”

“Sure thing,” Marlene agreed, linking her elbow with Lily’s. She gave Sirius a flirty little wave before the girls disappeared up the path to the castle, silent with the weight of uncomfortable emotions and a mutual wish for Valentine’s Day to just be over already.

* * *

 

For the rest of the afternoon, Marlene and Lily lounged on the couches in the Gryffindor Common Room and read their favorite Jane Austen novels. Ever since boys had entered the picture in fourth year, the pair had turned to nineteenth century romance whenever boyfriends or crushes or whoever were being stupid. Marlene did a remarkable job of listening to Lily complain away the day:

“Why can’t real boys be like Darcy?”

“I just want somebody to dance with, Marls. That’s all. Just somebody to dance with me and treat me like I’m a princess. Is that too much to ask for?”

“Elizabeth gets a letter. What do I get? Dumped on Valentine’s Day, that’s what.”

Though Marlene did her best to sympathize, her main focus was on keeping her mouth shut. The truth was, she thought Lily and James were perfect together and believed that one day she’d be giving a speech at their wedding. Lily was yet to come to that conclusion, however, and Marlene figured chocolates and Regency England were better solutions than coming up with another guy to like.

At long last, Lily shut _Pride and Prejudice_ and announced that she was going up to bed. They were the Common Room’s only occupants at this point, partly because it was dark but mostly because Lily had started glaring at any couple in sight. As Lily’s red hair disappeared up the stairs to the girls’ dormitories, Marlene heaved a giant sigh and leaned back to lie down on the sofa.

She had thought she’d finish her chapter of _Emma_ and follow Lily up to bed, but honestly, sleeping on the sofa seemed a much better plan now. It was already late and she was so comfortable and the dormitory might be filled with more sobbing girls or leftover chocolates or other remnants of this ungodly holiday.

Just as she was dozing off, however, someone entered the Common Room, walked over to her couch, and cleared their throat to announce themselves. “What?” Marlene groaned.

Opening her eyes, she saw Sirius cast in shadow from the fireplace behind him, but with an unmistakably mischievous glint in his eyes. “Fancy a trip to the kitchens?” he asked, extending a hand.

“Oh, thank Godric,” Marlene exclaimed quietly as she took his hand. She attributed her outburst to the growling of her stomach rather than the butterflies residing in it. He helped her up from the sofa and led the way through the Portrait Hole.

The two were entirely silent as they crept through the dark halls of the castle. Though Sirius checked for teachers around every corner, not a soul was in sight; Mrs. Norris didn’t even interrupt their little escapade. Some might have found it disconcerting, but to Marlene, something about the silence was comforting. She had spent the entire day in the presence of boy-crazy chit-chat, and though she was fairly certain Sirius wouldn’t contribute to that, she was glad for some peace and quiet.

When they arrived in the kitchens, it was nearly pitch black. All the House-elves seemed to have gone to bed, but a fire was still roaring in the fireplace. The pair split up to rummage in the kitchen for scraps and sweets, and just when Marlene was beginning to feel hopeless at the prospect of ever finding snacks, Sirius’s voice snapped them out of the silence. “Cupcake?” he called from the opposite side of the kitchen.

Marlene’s voice seemed to have vanished, but she followed Sirius’s silhouette to join him in front of the fireplace. He was holding two cupcakes with bright pink icing.

“Thanks,” she finally said, sitting cross-legged on the cold stone floor. He sat down so close that their knees were nearly touching. “Where’ve you been all night?” Marlene asked.

Sirius’s grin was definitely not innocent this time. “With a Ravenclaw sixth year,” he confessed. Or bragged. In the dark, Marlene couldn’t really see the look on his face.

“Oh,” she said simply, but her tone of voice conveyed much less courage than she would’ve liked.

“Does it bother you?”

“No.”

“You’re lying.” He said it like he was stating the obvious and like he had won whatever argument, which only served to make Marlene madder. She picked up a glob of icing with her fingers and smeared it on his nose.

“You’ve got icing on your nose,” she commented in an attempt to mimic his previous tone. Seeing the angry but resigned look on his face, she couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up and escaped her lips.

“Sorry the cupcakes have got pink icing. I know how much you hate Valentine’s Day,” said Sirius. A small House-elf came forward out of the darkness and presented him with a napkin, which he took gratefully. Marlene suppressed the strange urge to lean forward and wipe the frosting off his face for him; he was doing a perfectly adequate job of it himself.

“Is it still Valentine’s Day?” she wondered aloud. The sudden realization had occurred to her that the clock might have struck midnight while she was sleeping.

For a moment, Marlene was confused by Sirius leaning back, but then it dawned on her that there was a clock on the mantle. “Quarter to one,” he said.

“Oh, hallelujah!” Marlene’s voice escalated with her excitement, which gave Sirius a barely perceptible smile that she couldn’t see in the dark. “This dreadful holiday is finally over.”

The pair’s eyes met and locked. They were silent for several moments. Finally, in a confident but soft whisper, Sirius inclined his cupcake toward Marlene’s and said, “Happy February fifteenth, Marls.”

She knocked her cupcake with his in a ridiculous toast. “Happy February fifteenth, Sirius.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so fun to write. I hope y'all enjoyed it even though it's nowhere near Valentine's Day... I really am almost done with writing this thing. Once I'm finished, I'll probably just post all at once, so woo. Thanks for reading!
> 
> haleyisafangirl


	6. Sixth Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene and Sirius argue. It's not all that surprising, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOWWWWWWW I haven't updated this in forever but I'm done with it now so I'm going to actually upload all the chapters soon. 'Kay? 'Kay.

Sirius barely had time to turn around before Marlene had her arms wrapped around his neck, halfway between hugging him and strangling him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his head in her blonde hair, lifting her up off her feet; after the afternoon he had just suffered, she was the first person he wanted to see.

The same could be said for her wanting to see him, but that wasn’t exactly at the forefront of Marlene’s mind. Anger, rage, and the general desire to punch everything and everyone in the vicinity took precedence.

“Where the  _ hell _ were you?” she demanded, voice cracking as if to spite her determined self-righteousness. She released Sirius and sank back to the floor, crossing her arms as armor instead of using them to welcome him back.

“Gentlemen,” James said to her right, addressing Peter and Remus, “I believe it’s time for us to make our exit.” They were the first of many to soon leave the crowded Gryffindor Common Room.

“I, er…” Sirius began, but Marlene was in one of her moods where she cut off just about every explanation.

“You joined the fighting, didn’t you?”

Sirius’s hand that had held Marlene just moments before now gripped the back of his neck in anxiety. He let out a short, strangled breath.

The news of a battle against Death Eaters not far from Hogsmeade that morning had spread through Hogwarts like wildfire. Every older Gryffindor and most of the older Hufflepuffs had connected in the Great Hall after breakfast, trying to figure out something to do to help. But Apparition wasn’t possible from within the castle walls and the Floo network within the school was mysteriously out of order, so most students had to settle for nervous fidgeting during class and asking their professors every ten minutes for new reports.

The Marauders were not most students.

They knew secret passageways out of Hogwarts that were hidden from even Dumbledore, and had taken one of these passages to Hogsmeade, then Apparated from there to the battle site. Marlene figured it out within an hour of their departure, and she was responsible for the speed with which the rest of the school found out. By the end of the day, first years were wanting to get the Marauders' autographs. They were the heroes of the school, or at least, of every student in the school who wasn't friends with them.

Their friends were worried out of their minds.

None of the Marauders, despite their minor injuries, went to the Hospital Wing upon their return; that would have meant explanations and some very unconvincing lying and probably McGonagall’s wrath. Sirius had winced when Marlene hugged him, and her fear for his health and wellbeing just added to her anger toward him. 

"I can't believe you!" she exclaimed. Second years on a nearby sofa silently motioned to one another and exited to their respective dorms.

"Marlene, what did you expect me to do? People are  _ dying, _ I can't just sit around and do nothing."

"That's exactly what I did! Except, instead of the luxury of nothing, I had to sit around and worry about your sorry--"

"Quit with the pity party, McKinnon. Everything’s not always about you.” His tone was bitter, done with her crap and selfishness and everything else she was about.

Marlene's nostrils flared as a couple of fourth years practically ran from the room. "Don't ever call me by my last name!" she shrieked. The decibel level of their argument had reached a loudness such that any students still in the Common Room were extremely uncomfortable. Marlene and Sirius took no notice of them as they continued to exit in droves. “You are  _ not  _ allowed to treat me like I mean nothing to you when I spent the entire day worried sick about  _ your  _ safety and  _ your  _ life!”

“I did not battle a hundred Death Eaters to come here and have the biggest fight of the day be with you! Can you please stop being so self-centered for two seconds?” Sirius yelled. It was now just voices raised and armor on.

“You could’ve been really hurt!”

“So could you! Marlene, our lives are in constant danger, even at Hogwarts, and if you haven’t realized that yet then you’re a fool and you need to grow up.”

“Being at Hogwarts or in Diagon Alley is  _ not  _ the same thing as being in the middle of a battle, Sirius! I can’t believe you would be so irresponsible!”

Sirius chuckled darkly. “I guess you don’t know me very well then.” Marlene let out a strangled groan of frustration and tossed her long blonde hair to the side. “What’s the big deal, anyway? It was just one battle!”

“Because people get killed in just one battle! Avada Kedavra is fired in just one battle!”

“It’s not like I could’ve done nothing!”

“Yes, you could’ve! You and James and Remus and Peter, the whole lot of you!”

Sirius’s eyes narrowed meanly, and Marlene narrowed hers right back. “If you care so much about ‘the whole lot’ of us, why are you having this argument with me?”

Marlene was taken aback a bit by that one. She couldn’t tell which was frustrating Sirius more, the fact that he seemed to legitimately not know the answer or the fact that she still wasn’t giving one.

“Go on!” he shouted. “Why me? Why, when anyone of us could’ve been hurt or gotten hit by a Killing Curse? Why do I have to be the one to shout with you and argue with you and stare at your infuriatingly beautiful blonde hair when you keep tossing it around like that? Why’d you pick me today, huh?”

“Because I love you, you idiot!” It was angry and loud and screamed like throwing a knife, but that was their relationship. Though Marlene’s tongue had worked before her brain, she couldn’t correct herself because it was entirely true. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she continued shouting, refusing to be embarrassed by her confession, “What if I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye?” Her voice cracked on the last word, but her jaw set and the fire still flashed in her eyes. Though her softer emotions were attempting to get the better of her, this fight was not over yet.

“Stop being so sentimental, Marls,” said a flustered Sirius, though she noted his use of her nickname. “There are some things worth dying for.”

He almost wanted to take the words back before they were out of his mouth, but that was Sirius and Marlene: speak first and only rarely apologize later. If he hadn’t known instantly that that had been the wrong thing to say, he would have figured it out by the anger that now flashed in her eyes to cover up deeper layers of hurt.

“Don’t you think I know that?” Her shouts closely resembled sobs. “Don’t you think I know, when I have lost my father and my uncle and my grandparents and  _ far _ too many others? They all thought it was worth dying for, and that’s exactly what they did. I couldn’t stand it if I lost you, too! My dad died  _ last week,  _ and you expect me to be  _ okay  _ with you going into battle just like him?”

“That’s just the reality we live in, Marlene!” Though he was really just trying to ignore his blunder and the ringing chorus of “your-fault-you-made-her-angry” in his mind, Sirius’s voice conveyed frustration that she hadn’t yet grasped the gravity of the war. “People are dying every bloody day! The answer isn’t to run from it, it’s to  _ do  _ something about it!”

“I want to do something, too, but I’d at least have the nerve to say  _ goodbye _ !”

Sirius had to make himself steely and cold to have enough bitterness for his next comment. “No amount of goodbyes will mean you get to say one to your dad.”

Marlene’s nostrils flared, but whether she was shaking from anger or suppressed crying, neither of them knew. After Sirius’s last remark, silence settled between them like a heaviness that might never disappear. “I take it back,” she whispered finally. “I could never love you when I hate you so much.” At that, she couldn’t hold it in any longer, and tears began flowing freely down her face though her expression remained one of resentment and pure anger.

“Oh, grow up, Marls,” Sirius said, disgusted, as Marlene’s blue eyes stared at him through the blur of tears. “There’s a war going on here, and it’s no use crying about it.”

As he stormed from the room, she collapsed into a corner of the sofa and sobbed into a pillow, mascara running onto it, her wails echoing in the empty room. She was entirely alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write, so I hope you liked it! I will upload soon I promise.
> 
> Much love,  
> haleyisafangirl


	7. Seventh Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene, the Marauders, and other Gryffindor seventh years head off into battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of the school years! After this, we've still got some more (mis)adventures, so don't worry. There's plenty more to come.

Lily and James were running to battle hand in hand.

It was probably ridiculous that Marlene even noticed this, but watching them, she was reminded of why they fought in the first place. For things that were worth it. 

She glanced quickly at Sirius beside her, his hair up in that stupid “man bun” that she always begged him to let down and he always insisted made him look cool and kept his hair off his neck for battle. When she was reminded of their earlier argument, her legs shook a little, and it wasn’t just from the running. After all, you never knew if a simple conversation with someone about their breakfast or the latest book they read would be the last time you heard their voice. Marlene stifled a laugh at the thought that her last conversation with Sirius could be about his hair. It wasn’t funny. (It was. A little.)

If he died today (she had to walk in knowing that they might not all make it out alive, that was the only way to make sure that her heart didn’t break in two even as they marched into battle), she wouldn’t keep that as her last memory. She would remember the way he had argued in McGonagall’s office earlier. Most of the seventh year Gryffindors had barged in when news of a battle not far off had arrived at the castle. Except for one or two, they were all of age. James and Sirius were so feverish with the need to fight that they were completing each other’s sentences, begging McGonagall to just let them leave the premises, they were practically Order members anyway, they had fought over the summer and they had plenty of experience, they promised to stay alive, etc. Lily’s expression was a mixture of anger and resolution to join the battle and pride for her heroic boyfriend standing up for all the student warriors. Marlene nudged her playfully, and even in the middle of such a serious situation, they giggled at the back of McGonagall’s office. Surprisingly, Sirius kept his composure at least somewhat, even when McGonagall (of course) denied them permission to join any sort of skirmish. “You’re not to fire even a Bat Bogey Hex, or I will personally give all of you detention until you leave this place for good, do you understand?”

Not only was McGonagall serious about not allowing anyone to leave, she actually assigned several fifth years to attend to the Marauders and their friends throughout the day and make sure they followed orders. Of course, that simply wouldn’t do, so the Marauders placed a Full Body Bind on the younger students and snuck everyone out through a secret passageway. 

That was an hour ago, and many Apparitions and arguments over directions later, they were sprinting through one of the most dangerous parts of London. Thugs and other suspicious characters glared at them from the windows of pubs, but they paid them no heed. Just a short ways away, fighters needed backup, and warm bodies and nearly seven years of magical instruction would have to cut it.

* * *

Marlene had played a couple heated games of Quidditch during the summers when she spent time at the Potters’. Often, Sirius and the boys came over, as well as several other pureblood cousins of some sort, and they got a proper match going. Though Marlene wasn’t the best player on the pitch, she certainly wasn’t the worst; natural athleticism and her odd penchant for Muggle workouts kept her in shape, and that helped her fly with relative ease. She played Chaser most often, diving around others’ broomsticks and Bludgers, getting swept up in the pattern of her own breathing and the feel of the Quaffle in her hands until it was just her and one of the hoops. She wasn’t unfamiliar with rushes of adrenaline.

But the heat of battle wasn’t like a game of Quidditch. If she missed the hoop during a quick summer match, her team captain (usually James) would shout at her for a moment, and then they’d be back at it again. During battle, though, if she took even so much as a wrong step, she could be killed. She finally understood what everyone older had said about it being so much different than a classroom. It wasn’t the fault of inadequate teachers or textbooks or even how lazy the students were; nothing in the world could prepare them for this.

She dodged a red jet of light that whizzed not an inch from her left ear. Fighting fair put the Order of the Phoenix, the Marauders, and the other Not Death Eaters present at a bit of a disadvantage. They would Stun, and they would Body Bind, and they would make the Death Eaters eat slugs if they could muster it, but it was only delaying the problem, because they couldn’t kill them.

The thought crossed Marlene’s mind for only a split second before she remembered that she simply couldn’t. She wouldn’t let herself go there.

At her side, the cast rotated. First, it was Lily, red hair flying as she swung her head around, aiming curses and looking for James at the same time. Then, it was Remus, as calm and steady as ever. When Sirius was beside her, she felt stronger, and she also wanted to prove herself. When Mary was beside her, she just wanted to protect her. And then it would be someone Marlene didn’t even know, but if they were firing at Death Eaters instead of at her, she was just fine with it and kept on aiming hexes.

It was impossible to tell who was winning. At one moment, Marlene could only see a few Death Eaters, and hope swelled up in her chest. Not a minute later, though, it seemed that she was surrounded, and she couldn’t see a single friend. 

Eventually, the Not Death Eaters began to realize that there were students in their midst, and started guiding the younger fighters in retreat toward a church on one side of the square in which the battle had been taking place. A tall black witch cast a stern look at Marlene, who hoped her emotional energy was enough to put power in the glare she sent back. This was her fight, too.

But more reinforcements from the Order were finally arriving, and at last, it seemed the tides of battle were turning in their favor. The Death Eaters were being pushed toward the opposite side of the street, cornered between shops and the opposition. More and more of them were fleeing, and Marlene felt that flicker of optimism that she always tried to stuff back down. The battle wasn’t done yet, she had to remind herself.

Just moments later, the reminder came as more of a crushing blow. She was greeted with two sights that would be forever seared into her mind, though she wanted to erase them instantly: James and Lily standing face to face with You-Know-Who himself, and Sirius on the ground before one of the biggest, nastiest Death Eaters she had ever seen. He had tattoos all up his neck and the side of his face, and his wand was aimed directly at Sirius’s heart.

Marlene’s own heart was torn, because three of her closest friends were now on opposite sides of the battle, and she couldn’t run toward them both but she couldn’t choose just one to save, how could she choose just one to save, why had they come, they shouldn’t have come, they were going to die and she couldn’t just  _ stand  _ here--

The decision was made for her when she saw Sirius roll to the side, narrowly avoiding a curse from the Death Eater. “ _ No! _ ” Marlene shrieked in a voice that sounded so completely foreign, twisted and mangled by terror. She began sprinting toward Sirius, desperate to do something, when arms wrapped around her waist from behind and held her back. “What are you doing?!” she screeched at her captor. “Let me go, let me go, let me  _ go _ !”

As Marlene frantically twisted around, she saw none other than Mary’s face, covered in tears which were still flowing fast. “You can’t, Marlene,” the brunette insisted firmly, desperately. Red filled Marlene’s peripheral vision, and she turned to see Sirius clutching his arm, rapidly becoming drenched in his own blood. After only a moment of struggle (she had always been stronger than Mary), she wrenched herself away and ran toward him.

Just at the moment when she was aiming her wand, the Death Eater that had been attacking Sirius fell to the ground. James was standing only a few feet away, with Lily clinging on to his arm. Voldemort had disappeared, and though everyone was battered and bruised, they all seemed safe. Marlene continued running to her friends, because they were  _ alive  _ and she couldn’t bloody believe it--

“ _ Look out _ !” screamed Mary’s voice from behind. Marlene saw it just a split second after her friend: a Death Eater approaching Lily and James from behind, trying to catch them unawares, with a wand already aimed at their backs.

“Stupefy!” Marlene shouted with as much force as she could manage.

The Death Eater fell to the ground.

This alerted Sirius, Lily, and James to Marlene’s presence, and the first seemed to sink into the ground in relief, swallowing whatever worry had been consuming him since he lost sight of her. Lily rushed forward to hug Marlene while James helped Sirius to his feet.

There were still a few straggling Death Eaters in combat with Order members, but for the most part, the battle was won.

“Are any of you injured?” the black witch asked, appearing suddenly at their side with an air of importance and annoyance.

As all the students gathered together and shook their heads to indicate that they were fine, the black witch went on to lecture them about the dangers of battle. A few minutes in, Mary, surprisingly, cut her off. “I’m so sorry, really, but we must be getting back to school.” A little burst of pride caused Marlene to break out in a grin as Mary nodded imploringly to her fellow classmates. They got the message quickly; if they didn’t get out of there and fast, they would only get in deeper trouble.

“Meet you in Hogsmeade!” James shouted before Apparating with Lily. Several subsequent popping noises filled the air in the following seconds as each of the seventh year Gryffindors Apparated into Hogsmeade. 

On the walk back up the secret passageway, Marlene double-checked that everyone was okay. Sirius simply held up his arm, which had been quickly bandaged in someone’s jumper; there would be no way to avoid the Hospital Wing after this one. Everyone else answered in the affirmative, but Mary was a little unconvincing. Marlene wrapped her arm around the brunette’s shoulders and looked her friend in the eyes. “It’s going to be okay, Mary. We’re going to be fine,” she said in the most soothing voice she could muster after such a long day of battle.

Mary let her weary shoulders droop. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

Even when she was saying the words, Marlene knew it wasn’t a promise she could keep. They were incredibly lucky to have made it out alive, let alone in one piece. The jets of light and shouts of curses would follow her into her dreams for weeks, if not months, to come. She had a feeling that others would suffer the same and more.

And seeing her friends’ tired faces, the way Mary could barely drag her feet through the tunnel, the way Lily and James were now holding hands not as an expression of solidarity, but just to keep the other standing… Marlene had to wonder if it was really worth it at all.


	8. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene has the incredible privilege to attend Lily and James's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it's Friday, I finish classes today, only five exams stand between me and that diploma, and I had some good mac and cheese for lunch. Hope this chapter actually makes someone happy!

Marlene answered the door in sweatpants and a baggy tee shirt and was surprised to see two of her best friends standing there, grinning like idiots. “Hey there, Marls,” James said as he swooped into her flat and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“We’ve stopped by to invite you to our wedding,” Lily casually informed her, as though she were talking about the weather or a recent development in the stock market.

As usual, the two began making themselves at home in Marlene and Mary’s kitchen, and Mary came out of her room to see who had arrived. “Oh! James, Lily, I didn’t know you were stopping by!” The appropriate hugs were given until the happy couple informed Mary that they were getting married.

That was about the amount of time it took for Marlene’s tongue to catch up to her brain and blurt, “Married? Pardon me for asking, but when did you propose?” James laughed, a big, full laugh that caught Marlene off guard.

“You know, we were having lunch about half an hour ago when I just looked over at her and said, ‘Lily Marie Evans, I would like to spend every day of the rest of my life with you. What do you say?’ And she kissed me, which was a yes… right?” he said, now directed at Lily, who nodded quickly and enthusiastically. James continued, “So now we’re here, and she’s going to use your telephone--if you don’t mind, that is, sorry, Marlene--to ring a friend of a friend of her mum’s who’s a preacher, and if all goes to plan, we’ll be getting married in a couple hours.”

Marlene’s jaw dropped as she repeated, “A couple hours?!”

Everyone in the flat was now watching her warily to gauge her reaction. Aside from Sirius, Marlene was probably the one in the friend group who had wanted Lily and James to get together the most. During their Hogwarts days, she had constantly been either giving James advice on how to impress Lily or trying to convince Lily to admit her feelings. When they had finally started dating in seventh year, Marlene had considered it a personal success. But now, she was standing in the doorway, mouth still agape, looking like she was having immense trouble processing the fact that her two best friends were about to tie the knot.

After what seemed like an eternity for everyone involved, she broke out into one of the biggest smiles she had ever let loose in her entire life. “I can’t believe this!” she squealed, sprinting across the living room and launching herself into James’s and Lily’s arms. “I’m so excited for you two!”

James and Lily were only given a moment to enjoy how positively Marlene had reacted, because she then began trying to plan the entire wedding for them. “Oh, have you told Sirius, I’m assuming he’ll be there, you can phone him--”

“Yes, we told him,” James commented, fortunate that Marlene was too distracted with elation to realize that they had told Sirius before her.

“Where are we going to go, it’s a Friday so I suppose churches shouldn’t be too busy, of course I’ve always loved outdoor weddings, ooh, there’s this lovely park that’s only a few blocks away, of course we’ve got to consider who’s coming, want to make it convenient for everyone--” Here she paused to gasp rather loudly.

“Marlene?” Lily asked, concerned and trying to hold in her laughter at her friend’s antics all at the same time. “What is it?”

“What am I going to wear?” Marlene practically screeched. As she flew down the hall to fling open the doors to her closet, Lily put her face in her boyfriend’s--well, fiance’s--shoulder and laughed.

“How are we going to tell her that the invite list consists of Marlene...”

“Sirius.”

“Mary.”

“Remus.”

“Dorcas.”

“Peter.”

“Your parents.”

“Your sister.”

“Who won’t come.”

“She’ll come,” James tried to reassure his girlfriend--er, fiancee.

“The preacher.”

“Your mum.”

Pausing, Lily bit her lip and considered for a moment. “We probably should plan this out a bit more, yeah?”

James groaned but grabbed her hand and led her to the sofa. While Marlene surveyed her closet in the other room, they outlined a loose schedule for the rest of the day: a simple ceremony in the very park Marlene had mentioned (which was the first place both of them had thought of), with Lily’s mum’s friend as the preacher (who had also had a child at Hogwarts); Sirius as best man; Petunia as matron of honor if she agreed to come; Marlene as maid of honor if she didn’t; Muggle technology known as a “record player” (which still fascinated James) for a brief reception following, still at the park; and Sirius providing Lily’s “father of the bride” dance.

It turned out that Petunia hung up the phone the instant Lily mentioned the word “wedding,” and Marlene couldn’t decide which excited her more: being maid of honor or finding the perfect dress in the very back of her closet. After she prepared her maid of honor look and 6:30, just five short hours away, was decided on as the time, Marlene rushed Lily out the door to go primp for the rest of the day.

Really, the afternoon was a blur for the entire wedding party, who also happened to be the entire guest list. Marlene hurried Lily to a spa and got the quickest, prettiest manicure/pedicure/hair/makeup option while she Apparated to Lily’s flat and retrieved the dress Lily had selected. Dorcas and Mary showed up at some point, very distressed about bridesmaids’ dresses, which Lily assured them did not have to match. 

When all was said and done, the girls arrived at the arranged spot at the park at 6:28, with the bride in white and the bridesmaids in blue, red, and pink. The boys were already there in suits; Marlene recognized Sirius’s funeral suit from several occasions. She also saw Lily’s mum and James’s parents conversing quietly with the preacher under a tree. 

“Let’s have ourselves a wedding, shall we?” Sirius proclaimed when he saw that the girls had arrived. The party began to assemble under the tree by the preacher. “About time, McKinnon,” Sirius mumbled in Marlene’s ear as she passed by.

“Did you even take a bath, Black?” Marlene spat. 

The ceremony was short. With a small blush, James confessed to having written his own vows after just a few months of dating and memorizing them; with a small smile, Lily confessed to doing basically the same. They recited their vows, exchanged the rings that they had purchased immediately after the “proposal,” and wrapped up the ceremony for the reception.

Marlene was not the only one who shed a few tears as Sirius danced with Lily in lieu of the father-daughter dance. Fortunately and surprisingly, James's mother had shown up with the best champagne and cake she could procure on such short notice. As some Muggle love ballad played softly in the background, everyone was served champagne and then Marlene cleared her throat to indicate a toast.

“I’d like to propose a toast,” she said, raising her glass, “mostly to Lily and James, but really, to all of us.” Just looking around at all of her friends, dressed up and smiling as the first stars showed their twinkling smiles, she was already getting emotional. “This is going to sound really depressing at first, but just, stay with me.” She took a deep breath. “Many of you know that my mother and grandparents are my only family left. My father and most of my extended family is gone now, from the War. We also feel the absence today of Lily’s father and sister, one of whom has passed and one of whom is just a despicable human being who should never be invited to anything because she’s awful.” Lily giggled a bit at that. “Some of our families,” with a glance at Remus, “have difficulty accepting us because we’re different. Some of them,” looking now to Mary, “have been so hurt by this… this  _ terrible  _ War. We have grandparents who got old and kicked the bucket and grandparents who gave their final breath to protect the Wizarding World. We have family members that we can no longer be with, and family members we don’t wish to be with. Some of us have barely any family left. Some of us--” Now she looked at Sirius and choked back tears, “some of us have families that just really, really suck. Our families,” she continued bravely, looking around the circle at each member of the group in turn, “are battered and bruised and mostly broken, if we’re being completely honest.

“But tonight,” she said as she finally let a watery smile make its way onto her face, “two of my best friends waltzed into my apartment to tell me they were getting married. Another of my best friends showed up at the salon worrying that her dress wouldn’t match; another criticized me for being almost late, to which I joked that he should’ve at least taken time to bathe; and all of us have danced and laughed and, well, I’m crying now and I don’t think I’m the only one.” (She wasn’t.) “So, I guess I just wanted to say that you all are my family. And I’m very, very grateful for that. We’re funny and adventurous and quiet and loud and a brave bunch of Gryffindors and we’re weird as  _ hell. _ ” Here the group laughed through their tears. “But,” Marlene went on, “there's no better family in the entire world. And I love you all. So, to us,” she concluded, raising her glass.

Every single person in the circle had tears in their eyes. Lily let the heavy silence settle for a moment before she rushed forward to embrace Marlene tightly. 

“I love you lots, you know that?” she whispered in the blonde’s ear.

“Love you, Lils, I love you so much, I’m so happy for you,” Marlene mumbled back. And then she was being hugged by James, and then Sirius, and then Mary, and then Dorcas, and soon everyone in the wedding was hugging each other. They all  _ meant  _ something to each other and they were saying it aloud. They were a family that would march into battle side by side, and when it was all said and done, each knew that they were a family worth fighting for.


	9. Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene and Sirius fight after tragedy strikes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahahahahahahahahaha whoops.

Sirius answered the door wrapped in a towel with an exhausted but accepting expression on his face.

“You couldn’t have bothered to bathe?” he asked Marlene, who was standing in the doorway of his flat covered in dirt and blood. (She estimated that about half of it was her own.)

“Sorry,” she mumbled, not meeting his eyes or staring at his bare chest; her gaze was trained on the floor at her feet as she repeatedly directed herself to breathe in, breathe out.

“I’ll get you a towel,” Sirius murmured. As he stepped aside to let Marlene into his flat, she coughed a thanks and then shuffled to the bathroom.

Quietness had settled in the flat despite the honks of cars outside enjoying late night London and all the other sounds of a typical Friday evening. It was as if the flat was their own haven, separate from the world outside, but as fragile as cracking ice. They both knew their reprieve from grief would be short-lived, which was why they each ignored the elephant in the room as long as possible.

Marlene accepted the white towel Sirius brought her with barely a nod and shut the door to the bathroom softly, not wanting to disturb the sorrowful serenity that had spread through the space like poison gas. The shower was as hot as she could stand it, and she scrubbed her bloody skin until it was glowing red and raw. There was one cut on her arm that kept bubbling up with blood; it was deeper than she had known. It was as though her body was numb to the physical pain because it couldn’t take the emotional pain that kept paralyzing her brain in waves.

She let her hair fall down over her shoulders, wet and stringy, as she stepped out of the shower. Sirius had come in while she was washing and left an old tee shirt and a pair of his boxers. After she dried off, she slipped into them, the soft fabric somehow too heavy on her tired bones.

When she walked out of the bathroom, she found Sirius standing in the kitchen in sweatpants and a tee shirt, this one depicting a band with a vulgar saying on the bottom. It was one of her favorites of his, which is how she recognized it from the blank back. He was facing his countertop, but turned as her feet padded against the tile floor.

“D’you want something to eat?” he asked, though he spoke in such a way that it still seemed perfectly silent. Marlene shook her head; Sirius’s eyebrows drew together.

“Marls, you’ve got to eat something.” She didn’t answer him, only looked at the floor. As Sirius poked his head inside his refrigerator to find some leftovers to reheat on his stove, however, she began to protest.

“Sirius, really, I’m not hungry--”

“Marlene, you need to eat--”

“I just really don’t want--”

“You were in battle, okay--”

“Sirius, I--”

“Marls.” It wasn’t the way he had raised his voice, per se; it was the way his raised voice had come close to shattering the somber calm in the flat and how his eyes were now burning into hers, begging her to just let him fix her some food.

So she dropped it. After countless nights of battles and days of hardship, Marlene had learned that the only thing that could keep Sirius going and on his feet was to ignore it and keep helping people. He was always the last to leave a battle, because he liked to patch people up and take care of the reporters that no one else wanted to deal with and make sure his friends were okay. Once he finally disappeared from the scene, he always went home and cooked. Incessantly. The oven was his coping mechanism: within several hours of the end of a particularly rough fight, he’d pop over to everyone’s flat or home with a freshly baked casserole and never stay long enough to have a conversation about what happened.

Marlene turned away and walked into the living room, though she still had a nearly full view of the kitchen through the open doorway. Sirius made himself busy but barely made a sound; though the forks clinked and the soup bubbled as it warmed, everything was sort of muted. Marlene settled in on the sofa and tried her best not to look at the pictures of all of their friends on the mantle. 

At long last, Sirius came out with a bowl of soup and a glass of water balanced on a tray.

“I’m not hungry,” Marlene began again.

She didn’t usually get this shaken up after a battle; this was the first time it felt like her insides were collapsing along with her entire world. She had never before had to consciously breathe, had to sit there and feel the bitter taste of any words on her tongue; no words could help, no words could remedy what had happened today.

“Marls, please,” Sirius all but whispered as he picked up the bowl of soup from the tray and held it toward her. She stood up as to push past him, claiming that she truthfully didn’t want it, but he blocked her with his shoulder.

“I can’t eat. Not right now. I just… I can’t eat,” she insisted.

“Fine,” Sirius said, with more anger than was reasonable, as he slammed the bowl back down on the tray a little too forcefully. “I was just trying to help.”

“Sirius, come on,” Marlene said, imploring. But it was no use; Sirius’s anger had settled in the room, pushing up against the quiet that didn’t want to leave. He refused to look her in the eye.

“I’m just trying to help,” he repeated.

After a beat, Marlene sadly responded, “You can’t.”

“You’re right I can’t, not with you being as stubborn as you are,” he grumbled.

“I’m not being stubborn!” Marlene half-shouted, stepping away from him and toward the sofa and finally looking him in the eye. “There’s nothing anyone can do to help. You can’t make it better. I can’t make it better.”

“Why won’t you at least let me try?”

Marlene ran a frustrated hand through her now tangled, damp hair. “Because it’s impossible! Trying to make it better is like a bandage on someone bleeding out on your floor.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Marls--”

“How  _ dare _ you?!” Marlene’s nostrils flared. “How  _ dare  _ you, Sirius Black, how dare you call me  _ dramatic  _ at a time like this?!” Voices raised. Armor on.

“Because you’re always dramatic! You feel too much for any rational human being--”

“Oh, and that’s so much worse than shoving your emotions down into the deep dark pit of your soul, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you think I’m hurting, too? Don’t you think I hate this as much as you do? I loved her as much as you did, Marlene--”

“Don’t use past tense!” Marlene’s voice broke as she shouted this. “Don’t you… don’t you use past tense because I still love her, I still do!”

“So do I!” Even Sirius had trouble getting a word in edgewise around Marlene when she was worked up.

“Then why won’t you just let us both  _ grieve _ ?” she continued, begging.

“I will, you just need to eat something, okay?” Sirius said, returning them to the original point of the argument. “Or at least, here, at least drink some water, please, Marlene.” He picked up the glass of water and held it out to her, and she grabbed it forcefully. It tilted sideways, and most of the liquid spilled on the floor.

“I don’t want water,” she shouted. “I want Mary back!” As she screamed the last words, she threw the glass at the floor a few feet away from them.

It shattered, and the quiet did, too.

Immediately, Marlene’s eyes began overflowing with tears. In frustration or sadness or exhaustion, or possibly a combination of all three, Sirius briefly pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. Then, as the first of many sobs that night escaped Marlene’s lips, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and sank them both down onto the sofa. 

“I just want Mary back,” she wailed, crying onto his shoulder. He only held her tighter, let her cry, and cried a lot of tears himself.

* * *

When Marlene woke the next morning to the sunlight streaming in through the windows, her hair was a rat’s nest of blonde waves. Sirius wasn’t awake yet, so she pulled it back into a ponytail and gently, slowly eased herself off of the couch.

They had cried themselves to sleep. She tried to be quiet so as to not wake Sirius; they had been sleeping for only four or so hours, since the battle and their subsequent fight had lasted late into the night. 

She looked at the boy dozing on the sofa, his tee shirt riding up to expose a thin sliver of stomach. As the sunlight spread throughout the room and glinted off the picture frames and hardwood floors, she found a small smile making its way onto her lips, though she had no idea why. It felt sad, somehow, and only lasted for a moment.

She made her way into the kitchen, tracing her fingers lightly over the countertop. One would expect Sirius Black’s kitchen to be messy, disorganized, chaotic, but it was exactly the opposite. Every inch of the place was pristine. The sunlight caught on a photo of her and Sirius at Lily and James’s wedding. As Marlene was flooded with memories of that blissful, beautiful, wonderful evening, she became so distracted that she didn’t even notice Sirius walk up behind her.

“Fun, wasn’t it?” he murmured, resting his head on Marlene’ shoulder. She only nodded.

“Breakfast?” she asked after a moment. Not waiting for his response, she tiptoed over to the refrigerator and took out a few eggs. Sirius quietly assented and joined her at the stovetop.

They ate their eggs without speaking as forks clinked against their plates. At the conclusion of the meal, Sirius excused himself to use the restroom. Biting her lip, Marlene watched him go and then slipped out of the flat. 

Once outside, she breathed deeply and leaned her head against the door. In, out. In, out. 

Another day passed, another battle gone, another friend lost. Somehow, the eggs hadn’t made it any better. Sirius’s arms around her hadn’t, either.


	10. Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Something happy and lighthearted?! Where did this come from???? Is it even possible?!?!?!?!
> 
> (Don't worry, the next chapter is the final chapter and will fulfill the Major Character Death tag. The angst won't be gone for long.)

Marlene flew into the hospital, kicking off her slippers as she sprinted down the corridors. She burst into the waiting room, breathing heavily, and was greeted by Sirius and Remus standing and rushing to the door.

“Any news?” she panted.

“Not yet,” Sirius said as they hugged and Marlene pecked him on the cheek. Marlene breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank God,” she exclaimed. “I was worried I was going to miss it.”

“Hello, Marlene,” Remus said, reaching forward to hug her.

“Hey, Remus.” After she embraced the two boys, Marlene sank down into a chair next to them.

“Thank God,” she quietly repeated to herself.

It was 4:18 AM on July 31, 1980, and the Marauders (sans Peter, who had been strangely absent from his flat) were gathered in the St. Mungo’s waiting room.

“Nice pyjamas,” Sirius commented after a moment, regarding Marlene’s fluffy blue bathrobe and clashing plaid pyjama pants. Scoffing, Marlene socked him in the arm as Remus chuckled beside them. Marlene and Sirius began to wrestle as best they could whilst remaining in their seats.

“Oi,” chimed in a voice from the doorway. “Stop flirting, you two. Our friends are having a baby.” Whirling around in their seats, they saw that it was Dorcas, a coy smile on her face and her brown hair still in curlers. Marlene grinned from ear to ear, and she and the boys stood to greet the latest arrival.

“Nice to see both of you ladies got dressed up,” Sirius teased. Dorcas glared in response, but hugged him anyway.

“What’s the latest?” Dorcas asked.

“Nothing. Apparently giving birth takes forever,” Marlene complained, already impatient to see the baby though she had only been there for about five minutes.

Though Remus rolled his eyes, he didn’t chide her. “Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” he asked everyone, mostly to give them something to talk about while they passed the time. They had already discussed this topic at length, so he knew everybody’s answers: Marlene swore it was a girl, Dorcas thought it was a boy, and Sirius continually insisted...

“I think it doesn’t matter, Remus, we’ve been over this a thousand times--Elvendork is the perfect name regardless! It’s unisex!”

Everyone present rolled their eyes as they resumed their seats. The small television in the corner was playing some old black and white film without sound, but no one was paying it any attention. Now that they had settled in, the late (or rather, extremely early) hour was getting to everybody. Remus’s head was nodding down against his chest as his eyes drooped shut; Marlene let her head rest on Sirius’s shoulder.

No one knew how the time passed, but soon, the sun was rising and a nurse was walking into the waiting room. Everyone stood. “The family of… the Potters?” she asked. One by one, the brightest grins lit up their faces.

The family of the Potters. Yeah, that sounded about right.

“Right this way,” the nurse said with a smile that should’ve been harder to conjure at 6:13 in the morning.

The crowd of four--Marlene, Sirius, Remus, and Dorcas--followed the nurse down the hall, still grinning brilliantly, nudging each other, and snickering. Trying to make conversation, the nurse chirped, “How are you all related to the Potters?” They sort of just hummed and mumbled so as to avoid giving a direct response, because, of course, they were not actually related to the Potters. Sirius and Marlene shared a smirk.

They rounded a corner and turned into the second door on the right. There, on the bed, completely oblivious to the company’s entrance, sat Lily, James, and a tiny little bundle of blankets. The group walked serenely, almost in a trance, to the bedside.

“It’s so… small,” Sirius said. Dorcas and Marlene attempted (and failed) to make their wiping of tears a subtle gesture. James, sniffling, blinking rapidly, and positively beaming, looked up at them.

“His name is Harry,” he announced. The whole room took in a delighted gasp. Variations of “it’s wonderful” and “how adorable” were echoed at least fourteen times by every person. The family of the Potters passed quiet Harry around the room, each taking a turn to hold him for several moments. When he got to Marlene, she let the tears flow freely down her face, and Sirius wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her forehead lightly. After she gave him back to Lily, they remained glued together.

“You know, I think maybe it’s time for us to make one,” Sirius whispered. “Doesn’t seem too hard.” Marlene scoffed and hit him, but she was laughing along with everyone else in the room.

And so they sat there, the family of the Potters with their newest member, each moment more joyful than the last. Celebrating life together, the way it was meant to be.


	11. Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry

Eyes swollen and red as her hair, Lily opened the front door of the Potters’ home in Godric’s Hollow to reveal Sirius. She rushed forward to hug him, and he let his arms fall loosely around her waist. After a few moments, or maybe an hour--Sirius couldn’t tell--she whispered, “I’m so sorry,” and the pair pulled apart.

Sirius stepped into the home and away from the brisk fall breeze outside, though he still felt a chill in his bones that didn’t want to leave. It was when he saw James standing at the foot of the stairs that he broke down. As huge sobs racked his body, James pulled him into a fierce hug and just held him, letting him cry. Lily left the pair to their grieving, having already cried for a couple hours herself, and went to the kitchen to fix them something to eat.

Sirius didn’t say a word as he quietly slurped the chicken soup Lily had thrown together. It was very bland, and he only managed half the bowl. Halfway through the meal, Lily stepped out and into the living room to answer the ringing telephone. When she came back, Sirius was staring forlornly into his bowl, and James was staring hopelessly at Sirius.

“That was Dorcas,” she informed them. Neither looked up at her. “The funeral’s set for Tuesday morning.” Sunday night (or rather, Monday at approximately 2:14 in the morning) gave them about 32 hours to grieve, pray in desperation, craft eulogies, and do whatever else people do when it feels like the world is crashing down around them and they haven’t died yet but somehow, they’re in hell.

Without uttering a single syllable, Sirius passed out on the Potters’ couch sometime around 4am. Lily and James tucked him in and then headed upstairs to their bedroom, where they cried themselves to sleep. It seemed like they had been doing a lot of that lately; they were lucky that baby Harry hadn’t been doing the same. He was still sleeping like a rock in his little nursery, with a little Quidditch mural on the wall that Marlene had designed herself. Lily, unable to avoid the pains of waking up multiple times throughout the night due to slumber interrupted by dreams of death, peeked in on Harry in his crib at 6 or so. The players on his wall were no longer soaring around the pitch. The pictures had stopped moving.

* * *

The sun shone brightly through the windows far too early the next morning. As Sirius rolled off the couch with a groan, he headed to the kitchen to see Lily, balancing baby Harry on her hip and frying bacon with the other hand. James was studying something in the paper at the table. The sight of their happy, intact family made him sick, even though he knew that their larger, real family of friends was eternally, irreparably broken.

His cough to alert them to his presence was loud and hoarse. Lily offered him some bacon, and he finally understood why none of his friends’ wounds seemed healed whenever he offered them food. He barely touched it.

“We’re thinking about going for a walk. Clear our heads,” James commented, eyes trained warily on Sirius.

“It’s a nice day for it,” Lily added hopefully.

After a moment, Sirius croaked, “Thanks, but… no,” and coughed. James and Lily shared a concerned look that he pretended not to notice. 

“Okay,” Lily said uncertainly. “Would you mind watching Harry, then?”

“Not at all,” Sirius shrugged. Though Lily and James were obviously quite worried about him, Sirius ignored them. He scooped baby Harry out of Lily’s arms and walked calmly into the living room.

After the shortest walk ever, Lily and James came back in. “D’you want me to run over to your place and get you a suit for tomorrow, mate?” James offered, trying to be helpful.

“I’m not going,” Sirius muttered. Lily and James stood there in shock as he passed Harry to them and began heading up the stairs, presumably to the bathroom to take a shower.

After waiting a minute for the shock to wear off, Lily called after him, “You’re what?”

“I’m not going,” he said just as quietly as he had the first time, but somehow they heard every syllable.

* * *

No matter what Lily and James tried that afternoon and into the evening, they couldn’t change Sirius’s mind. They went the comforting and consoling route, bribed him, got sentimental, and finally blew up at him, but he still wouldn’t budge. “How  _ dare _ you, you selfish prat!” Lily eventually screamed, ignoring baby Harry beginning to cry in his crib upstairs at the raised volume. “All of our friends are dying, Sirius, there’s barely any of us left, and you’ve been to every single funeral so far. How could you skip out on this one when we all know it means the most to you?! It’s hard for us, too, you know!”

Sirius gave a slight, wry smile. “Selfish. She used to call me that. About once a week, actually, if not more.”

“Ugh!” Lily threw up her hands in frustration. “James,” she implored, turning to her husband, “tell him he’s being absolutely ridiculous.”

Sitting next to him on the sofa, James simply said, “Padfoot, you’re being absolutely ridiculous.”

“That’s right you are! I can’t believe you, Sirius, I really can’t. I don’t even want to look at you.” Lily was positively seething.

“If you can’t stand the sight of me, I’ll leave. I know when I'm not wanted. Quite used to it, actually,” Sirius offered.

The room was silent. You could almost hear Lily’s heart melting at that one. She quietly sat on the other side of him and held his hands in hers. After a moment, she murmured, “No, Sirius, no. You know that’s not what I meant. No way we’re going to kick you out. I just… we’re a family, right? You’re a Potter. And Potters stick together. Even at funerals.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius’s voice cracked, “but I can’t. I just… can’t.”

Laying her head on his shoulder, Lily whispered, “Can you at least try? She meant so much to you. To all of us.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, giving up nothing more.

At long last, Lily and James offered one final consoling gesture and headed upstairs to bed. “We’ll try again in the morning, right?” Lily whispered as she and James lay down. James gave her a quick peck on the lips.

“Of course, love.”

“He’s got to go. He’s just… got to.”

* * *

James woke up at 3:04 in the morning with the unmistakeable, unshakeable impression that something was very wrong. He immediately looked over to Lily, but she was sound asleep, hair fanned out on her pillow. He did his best to not sprint into Harry’s room, but the baby was calmly sleeping as well. After a confused minute, he remembered their latest houseguest and treaded warily down the stairs.

Sirius sat in the light of the refrigerator, in his funeral suit, surrounded by empty bottles of Firewhiskey.

James sighed a sigh of incredulity and incredible disappointment. “The only way I’ll do this is if I’m so drunk I don’t know where I am,” Sirius explained, tongue heavy in his mouth.

“Sirius,” was all James said, but somehow it communicated everything.

As James sat carefully down beside him, Sirius opened another Firewhiskey. “I’m sorry,” James whispered in lieu of scolding him for the alcohol.

“Yeah.” The bottle hissed a little as it popped open. “Me, too.”

They just sat there like that, the only light the moon beaming through the window and the small bulb inside the refrigerator. James had a Firewhiskey himself, but only one, and not so much to dull the pain as to hopefully make his friend feel like he was less alone. After all, one of them had to be sober. Fortunately, James didn’t keep too much alcohol stocked in the house, so Sirius couldn’t drink himself completely into oblivion no matter how much he wanted to.

It seemed like days, it seemed like seconds, before the sun’s rays peeked dimly into the kitchen. Able to see Sirius more fully now, James truly looked at him. He hadn’t shaved and his general appearance was more unkempt than usual, but more than that, his eyes betrayed an inner brokenness that was deeper than it had been before.

The realization dawned on him, though he sort of felt he had known it all along. “You’re not going, are you?”

“Nope.” Sirius popped the p and clinked his last bottle against some of his previous ones on the floor. James didn’t even sigh. He informed Lily before she made it down the stairs, baby Harry on her hip, that it just wasn’t going to happen. She only nodded.

“While we’re out, we might stop by the store and buy a couple treats and decorations for Halloween on Saturday. Do you want anything, Sirius?” Lily asked sweetly as she scrambled some eggs.

“No, thanks,” he responded from his position on the floor. He hadn’t moved, even though the morning was really and truly going now.

“Uncle?” Harry murmured, tottering over to Sirius, knocking over nearly every bottle on the way. Sirius took him in his arms.

“I love you very much, Harry. I hope you know that,” Sirius whispered.

“Say bye bye to Uncle Sirius, Harry,” Lily said, checking her makeup in the mirror and donning some earrings. They were about to leave for the funeral, and Harry would be in attendance. Sirius half thought that Harry was far too young to be attending so many funerals. The other half of his thought was that he was, somehow, definitely not drunk enough.

After Lily took Harry from Sirius, the three official Potters were on their way. Sirius didn’t bother to say goodbye. He couldn’t handle goodbyes anymore.

That was what was bothering him, breaking him, about Marlene, he was sure. She had told him once that she’d have the nerve to say goodbye. Screamed it at him, actually. He nearly smiled at the memory. But she had broken that promise, and the weight of its shadow would haunt him for the rest of his days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of My Flesh Is Afraid but I Am Not! Thank you so, so much to everyone who's read this little story of mine. Much love to you all!
> 
> haleyisafangirl  
> xo


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